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June 17, 2010
Highland Theater Now Showing Shrek Films From the Future
June 17, 2010
Dreyfuss Is Back in Town
Matt Dreyfuss, former captain of the wrestling team, first dude at Firestone to be into Kings of Leon and all-around baddass is back in Highland Square after his freshman year at Ohio University.
Dreyfuss, known to his friends simply as Dreyfuss, arrived with major fanfare early Thursday morning. He loudly announced his presence by doing donuts on high school best friend, Pat Burton’s front lawn on Casterton Avenue.
“Holy crap. Dreyfuss is back,” Burton said as he texted several other friends. “This is gonna be the best summer ever!”
Dreyfuss is best known for his classic Senior prank that he dubbed “Phallical Graffiti.” The 2009 prank involved spray painting five foot high symbols from Led Zeppelin’s fourth LP on the Firestone High School basketball court. The symbols were each slightly altered to resemble a penis or peni.
Dreyfuss declined to be interviewed for this article, sighting “shit that needs to get done.” However, those with knowledge of his college situation say his first year at OU was totally tits.
“Well, I know he made the wrestling team, got a killer fake ID, and shot a ‘Girls Gone Wild’ video, so yeah I’d say that’s a pretty good freshman year,” Burton said as Dreyfuss continued doing donuts on his mom’s front yard turning it into a giant mud pit. “Dreyfuss man! Fucking Dreyfuss!”
-DPI
June 10, 2010
UnFair Trade Shop Opens in Square
Highland Square’s retail district got a welcome boost yesterday, with the opening of the new store, Sweat Shop. The store bills itself as an alternative to the fair trade practices of Highland Square mainstay The Market Path.
Store owner, Brad Maxwell explains, “we looked at what the Market Path was doing as a fair trade market. We said to ourselves, okay that’s a pretty good idea, but how can we do that while maximizing profits and, more importantly exploiting people.” The answer came as Sweat Shop opened it’s doors at 11 am yesterday.
“What we do here is just pile up a lot of worthless, cheaply made crap on our shelves. We really don’t care what we are selling as long as we get it really cheap, preferably from a third world country. Then we mark it up, generally by about 800 or 1000 per cent. Then you come in and buy it. Sometimes we might purposely over ring you,” Maxwell continued. “We also have employees that will go around the store as you’re shopping and attempt to pickpocket you. Then in turn, we’ll buy more cheap crap with what we steal from you and keep the cycle going. We are just awful, really awful. Look here. This is Chinese toothpaste. It’s basically poison. Five bucks a tube! We make Wal Mart look like Goodwill.”
When asked how he thought Sweat Shop would fit in in the tight knit Highland Square neighborhood, Maxwell was dismissive. “Fitting in and being part of the (airquotes) community isn’t really part of our agenda. To be quite honest, we have a five year plan that involves us putting all of the other shops out of business, making W. Market St. a toll road and turning the library into a Hooters.”
-DPI
June 1, 2010
“Avatar” Shortage Causes 15 Person Pile Up
Walgreens Parking Lot
3 people are dead and several others injured in a serious accident at the Redbox machine in the Walgreens’ parking lot. The accident took place Saturday evening, as dozens flocked to the automated video rental machine in an attempt to procure the blockbuster film, “Avatar.” What they got instead, was tragedy. It is believed that the last copy of Avatar in the machine was rented around 9 PM, leaving the RedBox full of dreck like “Legion” and “The Spy Next Door.” Customers unable or unwilling to accept that the machine was out of the film they wanted, continued pushing the Avatar button on the machine’s touch screen to no avail. More and more people joined in the pressing of the screen until the machine finally capsized crushing several patrons and causing it to spew hundreds of copies of “Ghosts of Girlfriends Past” throughout the parking lot.
Many in the neighborhood are angry and asking questions. “I wanna know how the RedBox could be so woefully unprepared for a busy holiday weekend like this,” Bruce Canter said, echoing the sentiment of many in the crowd that gathered after the accident. “I don’t know who’s responsible; Walgreens, RedBox, or the producers of “Avatar” for making such a goddamned great movie. All I know is there has to be some accountability for this.”
RedBox, whose parent company is the McDonald’s corporation, refused to take the blame. McDonald’s CEO Grimace stated that, while the company wished to offer their condolences to the families of the deceased, “it is far too early to discuss who is responsible for the accident.” He then got into a wobbly helicopter piloted by Birdie the Early Bird and exclaimed, “I’m gonna go get me a delicious McGriddle sandwich and think this over for a little while.”
James Cameron was unavailable for comment, as he is currently on a scuba diving expedition up his own ass.
-DPI
May 26, 2010
Highland Square Grocery Finally Opens…in Fairlawn
W. Market St. Fairlawn 8:00AM
Amid little fanfare, the long awaited Highland Square grocery store finally opened it’s doors Wednesday morning. Acme CEO, Steve Albrecht presided over a sparsely attended ribbon cutting at the W. Market Street Acme #1 location, which has actually been in operation for well over 70 years. “We have been trying for years to find a solution to the Highland Square grocery problem and, little did we know that the answer was right under our nose the entire time,” Albrecht said while holding a pair of giant novelty scissors and standing next to a life-sized cardboard cutout of LeBron James. “Come get your groceries, assholes!,” he added. “Come get your organic bananas! Come get your hippie cock!!!”
-DPI 5/26
May 25, 2010
May 25, 2010
Black Key Spotted
W. Market St (800 block) 1:45PM
There were numerous reports of a Black Key sighting Tuesday afternoon in and around several Highland Square locations. “I think it might have been the tall one with the hat. But, it might have been the bearded guy,” said Lonnie Barton, 24 of Fairlawn. “I don’t know. I was hanging out by the coffee shop and he was across the street, walking out of the Chipotle. My buddy told me he was in the band. I was gonna run over there and get his autograph, but I was pretty totaled on mushrooms.”
According to other eyewitnesses the man in question, may have simply been a regular guy with a beard and not really a rock star at all. We will continue to follow this developing story.
-DPI 5/25
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