714 W. Market, 10:45 AM
Cleveland-based Key Bank Corp is again offering Apple brand iPods in return for the souls of new customers. A banner outside the W. Market branch announced the deal, promising a Free* iPod Touch to customers who open a new account. Most of the fine print is not visible to the passer-by, which includes enrollment in sadistic programs such as Erect-deposit, atm Withdrawl and overdraft Protection as well as the transfer of eternal ownership of one’s soul to Key Corp.
“It’s really a pretty good deel [sic]” says bank rep. Tom Bowlanski, “most iPod owners enter into these sorts of agreements AND pay for the damn things”.
It is difficult to predict the backlash that the new promotion will incite from those who sold their souls to Key Bank in 2006 for an iPod Nano and now feel gypped that others are getting something way cooler and Wi-Fi compatible for the same cost. “It won’t even hold a charge long enough to play one song” says one angry bystander, “Now what the fuck am I gonna do forever?”.
-MT 6/2/10
