Walgreens Parking Lot
3 people are dead and several others injured in a serious accident at the Redbox machine in the Walgreens’ parking lot. The accident took place Saturday evening, as dozens flocked to the automated video rental machine in an attempt to procure the blockbuster film, “Avatar.” What they got instead, was tragedy. It is believed that the last copy of Avatar in the machine was rented around 9 PM, leaving the RedBox full of dreck like “Legion” and “The Spy Next Door.” Customers unable or unwilling to accept that the machine was out of the film they wanted, continued pushing the Avatar button on the machine’s touch screen to no avail. More and more people joined in the pressing of the screen until the machine finally capsized crushing several patrons and causing it to spew hundreds of copies of “Ghosts of Girlfriends Past” throughout the parking lot.
Many in the neighborhood are angry and asking questions. “I wanna know how the RedBox could be so woefully unprepared for a busy holiday weekend like this,” Bruce Canter said, echoing the sentiment of many in the crowd that gathered after the accident. “I don’t know who’s responsible; Walgreens, RedBox, or the producers of “Avatar” for making such a goddamned great movie. All I know is there has to be some accountability for this.”
RedBox, whose parent company is the McDonald’s corporation, refused to take the blame. McDonald’s CEO Grimace stated that, while the company wished to offer their condolences to the families of the deceased, “it is far too early to discuss who is responsible for the accident.” He then got into a wobbly helicopter piloted by Birdie the Early Bird and exclaimed, “I’m gonna go get me a delicious McGriddle sandwich and think this over for a little while.”
James Cameron was unavailable for comment, as he is currently on a scuba diving expedition up his own ass.
-DPI
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