July 2010
6 posts
Each Participant of Date Pretends to Like Hummus...
Both parties on a date at Aladdin’s Eatery pretended to enjoy Hummus in order to impress the the other on Saturday, July 17th. While it is unknown who first breached the subject of ordering the Middle Eastern Dish, we do know that Tyler Brant, 22 of Stow was the one who actually ordered it. Brant and his date Emily Bradshaw of Kent both lightly dipped pita bread into the garlicky...
Publication to Resume Following Forced Furlough
W. Market Street; 2:30 PM
The Editors in Chiefs of Akron’s The Square Deal met again today to discuss the resumed publication of the Highland Square news source following a three week strike by the staff for unfair/unsafe working conditions. The “paper” had been operating out of the Tangier’s dome but rising temperatures over the past month turned the metal space into a...
June 2010
16 posts
Temple Israel Braces for Quake Victims
Merriman Road; 2:00 PM
Ira Himmelstein, financial secretary at Temple Israel, reports that the synagogue is frantically making preparations to accommodate the needs of victims of this afternoon’s mild earthquake. “We expect as many as a dozen extra visitors to the Rock Shabbat Committee Meeting tomorrow evening. We might have to move out of the library and welcome our terrified...
Mr. Zubs staff struggling to find sandwich tie in...
With the Highland Square sandwich market so cluttered and competitive these days, Mr. Zub’s owner Mario Nemr has an ace up his sleeve, movie titles. His famous sandwich movie tie-ins that include the “Irwin M. Fletcher” and the “Uncle Rico” give his sandwiches the extra oomph to really stick it to Metro Burger. Nemr is quick to include new menu items to correspond...
3 tags
Highland Theater Now Showing Shrek Films From the...
No word on what happened to “Shrek 6.”
4 tags
Dreyfuss Is Back in Town
Matt Dreyfuss, former captain of the wrestling team, first dude at Firestone to be into Kings of Leon and all-around baddass is back in Highland Square after his freshman year at Ohio University.
Dreyfuss, known to his friends simply as Dreyfuss, arrived with major fanfare early Thursday morning. He loudly announced his presence by doing donuts on high school best friend, Pat Burton’s...
Highland Square Artist Sells First Painting But...
Pleas for help changing a ten dollar bill went unanswered in the Square Saturday afternoon, preventing local artist Dylan “Dive” Devon from making his first art sale. Devon was heard saying, “I’m a fucking iconoclast […] I don’t make change […] hey wait... that’s kind of ironic […] whoa”.
Devon at one point offered the prospective buyer a free...
4 tags
UnFair Trade Shop Opens in Square
Highland Square’s retail district got a welcome boost yesterday, with the opening of the new store, Sweat Shop. The store bills itself as an alternative to the fair trade practices of Highland Square mainstay The Market Path.
Store owner, Brad Maxwell explains, “we looked at what the Market Path was doing as a fair trade market. We said to ourselves, okay that’s a pretty good...
taconite asked: i spelled ironically wrong!!!
Hipster Secretary Ironcially "Does" Mondays
-DWS
Severe Weather Cripples Weekend Revenue
Chipotle patio: 12:30PM
Torrential rains, flashed floods and high winds wreaked havoc on Highland Square’s Panhandling/Mugging industry this weekend. Inside sources reported significantly low gains compared to past years on what is usually an important early summer weekend. The HS-20 stock index showed little change despite this poor showing, probably because the majority of...
Spill Threatens the Square
A chemical spill occurred at Angel Falls Coffee Company the evening of Wednesday, May 26th. Baristas Josiah McLat and Kathleen Hughes noticed a suspicious odor around 5:30 pm. As the odor grew stronger, the two began investigating to find its source.
“It smelled like paint thinner was being pumped in through the air conditioning vent,” commented Hughes. After climbing on the...
Room Left for Cream
-DWS
Ice Cream Shop Losing Towing Revenue
Local business owner Michael Trecaso longs for the old days. Just a short few years ago nearly 40% of his annual revenues came from the towing component of his ice cream business. Today motorists have found the Market Path parking lot to be free, safer and less graveled. In another example of big business putting the choke-hold on Mom & Pop establishments Trecaso has had to find...
Key Bank Reinstates "Trade Soul for iPod"...
714 W. Market, 10:45 AM
Cleveland-based Key Bank Corp is again offering Apple brand iPods in return for the souls of new customers. A banner outside the W. Market branch announced the deal, promising a Free* iPod Touch to customers who open a new account. Most of the fine print is not visible to the passer-by, which includes enrollment in sadistic programs such as Erect-deposit, atm...
Out of Stock CD Leads to Awkward Exchange.
An out of stock CD at Square Records led to an awkward exchange at the cash register yesterday, as Phillip Barnes came to Square looking to buy a copy of “Zeitgeist” by the Smashing Pumpkins and was told the item was not in stock. “The guy at the counter said he could order it for me…I could order it for me, I have the internet…I just thought they might have a copy...
4 tags
“Avatar” Shortage Causes 15 Person Pile Up
Walgreens Parking Lot
3 people are dead and several others injured in a serious accident at the Redbox machine in the Walgreens’ parking lot. The accident took place Saturday evening, as dozens flocked to the automated video rental machine in an attempt to procure the blockbuster film, “Avatar.” What they got instead, was tragedy. It is believed that the last copy of Avatar in the machine was...
May 2010
17 posts
Legendary Bar Closes
The Bucket Shop, a Highland Square staple for nearly 8 decades, has apparently closed its doors. When questioned a passerby said, “that place closed like three or four years ago - its some chache bar now.” Even though most people barely remember the bar because they “only went there when they were sooo f-ing hammered” many acounts state how they miss it because it was...
Weekend Weather Report
Bloomfield Extension, 3:04
Mr. Dick Goddard, the Square Deal’s adjunct meteorologist assures us that this weekend will be “totally awesome” (weather-wise) until Monday, when: “shit’s gonna start suckin’”. He urges Square-ites to “get it done on Sunday, cuz Monday, the muthafuckin’ rapture’s comin’!” He then jammed a handful...
Zubs' Chef Micah declares Best Summer Ever
Chef Micah stunned a relatively sparse crowd at Mr. Zub’s at approximately 2:30 AM Friday morning by shouting “Best summer Ever!” The general consensus among the crowd was that seems a bit early for such a declaration. However, a small, but vocal, minority greeted the proclamation as a sign of hope for the approaching summer; optimistic after the train-wreck that was the summer...
"School" is no longer "Cool"?
S. Portage Path, 7:30 PM
Scandal in the Square
Amidst the hustle-bustle of the afternoon Highland Square commute, a small sign was casually unveiled. Adjoining a new construction previously thought to be the reincarnation of the Portage Path School, the sign revealed a different -and startling- agenda. It confirms that Portage Path School was never being rebuilt. It was demolished some time ago...
2 tags
Turning Lanes' Arrows Repainted
A Photo Essay
The turning lane arrows in Highland Square have been repainted. It is estimated that this happened sometime before I arrived. One of the cones near the Portage Path/W. Market Street intersection has been knocked over so caution is advised when driving through the area.
-TF
BMW Dealership Brings Hope to Neighborhood
Exchange Street (500 block) 3 PM
The Dave Walter BMW dealership, built on a former Akron Public School lot, has brought the sort of hope to a recently tumultuous section of Highland Square that an elementary school could not. “These hard-working, unemployed Akronites wake up each morning, look out over the unmowed grass of the neighboring abandoned home, and see inspiriation,” says...
Missing Pawn Returned to Angel Falls Chess Set
A pawn that had been missing from the chess set at Angel Falls has recently been returned and placed back into its proper box, a spokesman for the coffee shop said yesterday. The pawn had been missing for 3 days and found under a chair during a routine cleaning. “Only one person wanted to use the set while the pawn was missing, and they just used a “Sugar in the Raw” packet for...
Matt Haas Holding a Kitten
Matt Haas was spotted holding a kitten early Tuesday night, in what is being heralded as one of the most adorable things to happen in recent Highland Square history.
3 tags
Highland Square Grocery Finally Opens...in...
W. Market St. Fairlawn 8:00AM
Amid little fanfare, the long awaited Highland Square grocery store finally opened it’s doors Wednesday morning. Acme CEO, Steve Albrecht presided over a sparsely attended ribbon cutting at the W. Market Street Acme #1 location, which has actually been in operation for well over 70 years. “We have been trying for years to find a solution to the ...
Pizza War Remains Cold
W Market & S Highland 9:30 AM
The empty space that once housed the ill-fated Two Amigo’s bar/restaurant/Legends of the Hidden Temple Set remains so today.
Despite constant rumorage that an upscale brick-oven-style pizza shop was under construction, nothing concrete is yet to materialize. This New Amigos’s would fill an important void left in Higland Square since the sudden...
2 tags
Old Fashioned Sundae Prepared With Modern Day Rage
Square Shreeks fo Shrek!
The final installment of the Shrek series “Shrek Forever After” dominated the Square box office this past weekend. Ticket sales are expected to hold, remaining it in the top spot, at least through the end of the week. All this is in spite of the film holding the highest ticket price in Hollywood history. Local fans attribute the film’s success to Scottish actor Mike Meyers...
Tuesday Weather Review
A Weekly Feature
There was no rain reported in the Highland Square area today. Conditions were described as “pretty with big white puffy clouds.” Local bartender Wes said, “it must have been like 80 degrees or something” and added, “I hope its like this tomorrow”.
In related news - it is supposed to be like this tomorrow.
-TF
3 tags
Black Key Spotted
W. Market St (800 block) 1:45PM
There were numerous reports of a Black Key sighting Tuesday afternoon in and around several Highland Square locations. “I think it might have been the tall one with the hat. But, it might have been the bearded guy,” said Lonnie Barton, 24 of Fairlawn. “I don’t know. I was hanging out by the coffee shop and he was across the street, walking out of the...
Stone Painted White
S. Balch St. 6:15 PM
A large stone was painted white in front of a West Akron residence yesterday evening. The rock has been described as “about the size of a big beach ball”, and its previous color is unknown.
The homeowner also has a miniature white picket fence around a tree in the front yard. At the time of publication, no other white objects had been placed near the street.
-KF...
Hostess Delivery "Successful"
W. Market Street 3:00 PM
Today’s Hostess Snack Cakes delivery to the Walgreen’s Pharmacy on West Market Street was “successful” according to a spokesperson for the retail chain.
Eyewitnesses had reported a large white Hostess delivery van parked in the Walgreen’s lot around 2:50 PM. All interactions indicated that the delivery was proceeding without incident.
A...
Giant Illuminati Pyramid Installed
S Portage Path: 11:30 AM
In the space that had been occupied by a tarp for the past several months, a strange glass pyramid stands. Located at the northwest corner of the almost complete (New) Portage Path School, the 30 foot tall glass pyramid juts out in stunning Gehry-esque fashion from the otherwise drab facade of the three-story complex. The recently added planting beds (maybe?) have given...