On Special this Week at Acme #1: SMART BONGWATER
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July 29, 2010
July 20, 2010
July 20, 2010
Each Participant of Date Pretends to Like Hummus to Impress the Other
Both parties on a date at Aladdin’s Eatery pretended to enjoy Hummus in order to impress the the other on Saturday, July 17th. While it is unknown who first breached the subject of ordering the Middle Eastern Dish, we do know that Tyler Brant, 22 of Stow was the one who actually ordered it. Brant and his date Emily Bradshaw of Kent both lightly dipped pita bread into the garlicky paste, and each pretended to enjoy it.
“It’s really good,” said Bradshaw.
“I know, I love this place,” replied Brant.
After a few minutes, both simply ate the triangles of pita bread and continued what was otherwise a lovely evening.
“It’s really not my thing” said Brant, holding 2 wrapped to-go containers in his hand. “And the shishtawook wasn’t exactly what I thought it was going to be…I’ll just hit up taco bell later.”
Bradshaw declared the meal to be “really good” but eyewitnesses reported that she pushed the contents of her Fatayer Plate around and actually ate very few bites. Another report from her roommate suggested that she came home from the date in high spirits, but quickly vanished into her bedroom with a box of “Nilla Wafers” brand cookies.
July 14, 2010
July 14, 2010
July 13, 2010
Publication to Resume Following Forced Furlough
W. Market Street; 2:30 PM
The Editors in Chiefs of Akron’s The Square Deal met again today to discuss the resumed publication of the Highland Square news source following a three week strike by the staff for unfair/unsafe working conditions. The “paper” had been operating out of the Tangier’s dome but rising temperatures over the past month turned the metal space into a giant tandoori, thus baking laptops and iPads into soft flat breads, aptly paired with jams or “chutneys”. At some point the (unpaid) interns threw up their hands and stormed out, at which point progress slowed to a halt.
Due to recent and partially unrelated developments, the Deal has moved its offices into the vacant penthouse once inhabited by a certain former Cavs player atop the Northside Tower owned by Chrissie Hynde. Despite the constant threat of being mistaken for King James and firebombed, the Square Deal staff is comfortable in their new (air-conditioned) building, and the kind aromas of the downstairs vegan restaurant give them the added incentive to work hard, even though no amount of hard work would allow them to afford to eat there.
13 July
John Bigsby, Associated Press
June 23, 2010
Temple Israel Braces for Quake Victims
Merriman Road; 2:00 PM
Ira Himmelstein, financial secretary at Temple Israel, reports that the synagogue is frantically making preparations to accommodate the needs of victims of this afternoon’s mild earthquake. “We expect as many as a dozen extra visitors to the Rock Shabbat Committee Meeting tomorrow evening. We might have to move out of the library and welcome our terrified neighbors in the [Gedaliah Gertz] Education Center”.
Across the street, the Baho Convenience Mart reported a 10% increase in early afternoon liquor sales, but notes that this might have to do with Lebron drama, and “not the earthquake so much”.
-KF
June 20, 2010
Mr. Zubs staff struggling to find sandwich tie in for “500 Days of Summer”
With the Highland Square sandwich market so cluttered and competitive these days, Mr. Zub’s owner Mario Nemr has an ace up his sleeve, movie titles. His famous sandwich movie tie-ins that include the “Irwin M. Fletcher” and the “Uncle Rico” give his sandwiches the extra oomph to really stick it to Metro Burger. Nemr is quick to include new menu items to correspond with the hottest indie movies, but last years media darling “500 Days of Summer” has the Zubs creative team stumped.
“We have had some trouble coming up with a sandwich for this movie…only Micah saw it, and he really doesnt remember if there were any sandwiches in it.”
This type of confusion can become a problem for an eatery so close to a movie theater and the film buffs that frequent it. It is widely known that the controversial “Frodo Baggins” was taken off the menu after several complaints that the inhabitants of Middle Earth did not have corned beef. To avoid such blunders in the future Nemr meets with his staff prior to each new menu item.
“Was she a vegetarian?” Nemr asked. “I dont know, after the Juno we are starting to overload on the veggie sandwiches.”
As of press time, the sandwich on the table was a ham sandwich with bacon called the Tom Hansen or “something with cucumber” called “500 days of cucumber.”
“We didn’t even know the main guys name until we checked IMDB” Nemr lamented.
-DWS
June 17, 2010
Highland Theater Now Showing Shrek Films From the Future
No word on what happened to “Shrek 6.”
June 17, 2010
Dreyfuss Is Back in Town
Matt Dreyfuss, former captain of the wrestling team, first dude at Firestone to be into Kings of Leon and all-around baddass is back in Highland Square after his freshman year at Ohio University.
Dreyfuss, known to his friends simply as Dreyfuss, arrived with major fanfare early Thursday morning. He loudly announced his presence by doing donuts on high school best friend, Pat Burton’s front lawn on Casterton Avenue.
“Holy crap. Dreyfuss is back,” Burton said as he texted several other friends. “This is gonna be the best summer ever!”
Dreyfuss is best known for his classic Senior prank that he dubbed “Phallical Graffiti.” The 2009 prank involved spray painting five foot high symbols from Led Zeppelin’s fourth LP on the Firestone High School basketball court. The symbols were each slightly altered to resemble a penis or peni.
Dreyfuss declined to be interviewed for this article, sighting “shit that needs to get done.” However, those with knowledge of his college situation say his first year at OU was totally tits.
“Well, I know he made the wrestling team, got a killer fake ID, and shot a ‘Girls Gone Wild’ video, so yeah I’d say that’s a pretty good freshman year,” Burton said as Dreyfuss continued doing donuts on his mom’s front yard turning it into a giant mud pit. “Dreyfuss man! Fucking Dreyfuss!”
-DPI
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